Reaching out to the world. Getting to know you.
This is me reaching out to the world as I begin my journey into counselling, body and soul healing, and alternative therapies. This blog is intended to be a record of my progress and my thoughts and feelings along the long, hard road.
The problems I need to address are many and varied but in a nutshell:
I am a very angry and aggressive person. I guess it would be true to say that over time, I have developed strategies for dealing with and managing this in front of other people. But often I find myself seething inside, with terrible bad feelings often mixed with neurosis and circular thought patterns.
I am a very negative and critical person, often quick to put others in their place undeservedly, or to cast a gloomy mood over a happy situation. I am guilty of seeing the worst in a bad situation or of “predicting” that everything I do is going to be a failure – which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
There are other issues too which I will explore in more detail in future posts.
I’ve written a sort of manifesto which I’ve included below.
The path that has led me to the point I’m at now – the point of self-analysis, admitting where my flaws lie, and resolving to do something about it – is largely due to troubles I’ve had in my relationship. My partner (“J”) some months ago identified some disturbing traits that are inherent in my behaviour but it has taken this long for the situation to be the right one. He suggested CBT as a possible route, having taken a course of treatment himself in the past.
I could have lost my relationship because of my problems. I’m not saying all our difficulties were my fault, but I certainly didn’t treat J with the real love and respect that he deserves. And a lot of the time he was reacting to my “abusive, aggressive, rude, selfish, spoilt” behaviour. And I totally agree with that.
I am trying my utmost to feel like a normal person again, who’s strong and doesn’t lose sight of what is important in life.
I need to trust myself again and understand why I blow up the way I do so that I can prevent it from happening again, and again, and again and ruining my life and the lives of those close to me. I don’t suppose that bringing me up was a bed of roses so I hope that one day I can have a mature relationship with my parents too, if only to be able to reciprocate the love they have for me.
Getting rid of my demons is a huge challenge and a change that will be ongoing for the rest of my life probably.