Therapy outcomes. Where mindfulness fits in.
I think it’s worth putting down the outcomes that I had decided for myself about a month ago. They still stand. They are:
- To learn how to be happy
- To be able to manage and control negative emotions
- To be able to deal with criticism and rejection
- To learn how to walk away from conflict
- To understand what the causes/ triggers of my bad behaviour are
- To be stronger mentally
- To gain an insight into, and appreciation of, the meaning of human existence
- To learn to be less selfish
- To regard myself as a valid member of my relationship, my workplace, community, society
- To understand myself and my subconscious motivations, desires, neuroses
- To be able to live in the moment
- To come to terms with, and stop hating, myself
I realise I still have a long way to go and the more I think about it, the more I realise that my therapy journey will be one that lasts a lifetime. Initially, when I started this process, I guess I was looking for a quick fix.
Things actually came to a head one day while I was going through a rough patch in my relationship. My partner had had enough of my bad, bad, behaviour. At the time, he didn’t want anything more to do with me but suggested undergoing therapy for my own benefit, with no other agenda. He said of the situation “it must stop” and identified with typical insight and clarity that I had underlying problems that need to be identified and worked on. And I really do.
When my structures of dependence are taken away from me I find it very hard to cope and so I lash out. I am paralysed by inertia and blaming everything on the person that took me away from my state of blissful ignorance.
I was never happy, I don’t think ever in my life. I had little pockets of pleasure but no idea how to be myself. Without this sense of happiness in my core I did nothing but blame my partner, or anyone else I could, for all my own shortcomings.
The best technique I have learned about recently is that of mindfulness and I think can help me a lot. In a nutshell, the approach focuses one’s attention on the here and now. So, without judgment, consciously and deliberately being aware of the sensations that your body and senses are experiencing in the present moment.
I sometimes get so caught up in thinking about the past and what has brought me to where I am now – and the future, all the things I would like to be, that I forget that life is here and life is now. I am planning on attending a mindfulness course run by my local council but it’s not until April. Until then I am trying to be in the moment as much as I can.