1 step forward, 20 steps back.
This weekend has been an absolute hell of my own making. I had huge problems in my relationship with my boyfriend which set me back hugely and makes me think I am rotten all the way to the core and not able to change, ever. I started out on this journey believing fundamentally (it took me all my life thus far) somehow that I had the capacity to effect real change and I believed it fully until this weekend.
I wasn’t in control of my feelings at all. All those things I have learned about and tried to live by in NLP, was it all for nothing? It must have been a waste of time, because I can’t take any of it in and apply it to my life which is ending every second that goes by.
It took me too long to recover from all the hurts, which continued all weekend. By Sunday morning J told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He told me to get out and wished me a happy life. He said that I had made him see that we’re not right for each other because of my doubts (which he calls ‘threats’). He said I am evil. He said that it’s all bollocks this therapy stuff I am doing and it obviously isn’t working. I don’t know what else there is I can do but basically I have to concentrate on just one counselling approach, preferably NLP, and leave the spiritual claptrap until I have actually proved that I’m a changed person. Knowing that I don’t have his support leaves me a shell of a person.
I tried to put into practice what I had learned at Friday’s EFT session but it was all for nothing. I upset him by trying to voice my opinion, attempting to express myself about something that matters to me. Apparently there is never the right time for such matters, especially when they involve a criticism or a request, and I am in the wrong yet again, again and again. I carried on in a negative vibe for the entire weekend. I felt as though I could not get to the good thoughts. I thought about NLP the whole time and how I have the capacity to control my thoughts and that’s what I should be doing – turning a bad situation into a good one – but it was just out of my reach, pathetic as that sounds.
My need at times like this when I am at my lowest is to turn inward. I feel so much that I need to be on my own. J didn’t let me walk out yesterday, despite asking me to f* off repeatedly and as good as ending our relationship. He was angry but never apologised. He thinks he is immune to blame. As it turns out, we are still trying together but recent events have proved such a setback, not just for us as a couple but for my personal journey.