Fruit & the truth ripen simultaneously.
At my psychotherapy session yesterday I spoke about the positive changes that I’ve been going through. It was good for me to voice them hence giving to them the real weight they deserve. It makes them feel more real to me, as I don’t talk about them to anyone else. The changes are real and will be lasting – at the most fundamental I have to believe that. The new me is young, G says, and must be both allowing and nurturing.
I am training my beat-up psyche both to allow ‘bad’ states of being when they occur; and to nurture the positive ones. Years of conditioning and wallowing in misery have made contentment all too short-lived when it does occur, and it’s time to break out of that cycle once and for all, slowly so it sticks. It has cost me many years of thwarted happiness, even wilful unhappiness. The new way of being will unfurl gradually like a fruit ripening. Savouring each moment whatever mood states it holds, because it’s all I have. From Kabat-Zinn:
“It is best to encounter each moment with freshness, its rich potential held in awareness. We look deeply into it, and then we let to into the next moment, not holding to the last one. Each moment then can be fresh, each breath a new beginning, a new letting go, a new letting be.”
I talked about the current happiness in my relationship, and G asked why is is like this now. What characterises the happiness? I think it is the easeful and considerate communication we have established for one thing. How is it that in becoming more tolerant, we actually become more considerate? Strange really. I guess that is the power of rapport. Secondly I no longer resent not having time to “myself”. I really love the times when I am around my boyfriend. This might sound like I’m losing sight of who I am or something, for the sake of my relationship but not at all. As I said this out loud, I realised for the first time that this is a truth of mine: I have the strongest sense of self at the present time than I have ever experienced at any time in the past. I hope this powerful feeling continues, and I will make it. It feels brilliant right now and that’s what matters. Not the worries that it is illusory, or temporary, or will become inadequate. These are all just non-existent potential problems with my perception. I have stopped making problems or myself, and instead accept that I cannot control outcomes, only my own thoughts and actions.
G said it this is a momentous transformation that I am undergoing. Knowing that all the resources I require for it were in me all along is a huge thing to take in. All this time I was looking for other people, places, connections, prescriptions and stimulants. I’m finally ready. But couldn’t have done any of this until the time was right. I have decided to be at cause in my universe.
“The journey is one of heroic proportions, but so much more so if enlivened by wakefulness and a commitment to adventurous enquiry. As a human being, you are the central figure in the universal hero’s mythic journey, the fairy tale, the Arthurian quest […] this journey is the trajectory between birth and death, a human life lived. No one escapes the adventure. We only work with it differently.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are.