Trust in love.
I try not to write about future plans because it sounds smug and I’d feel silly if I didn’t follow through with something I said I would in public. However, there is something I have planned that will hopefully step the journey up the next level in embracing body, mind and spirit. In an effort to a) tone up my weak frame and b) shake off this bad mood that has been hovering over me like a personal rain cloud, I have enrolled for five weekly zumba classes beginning this week.
I would like to be active as this is something that’s truly missing from my life at the minute. I’m not the sort of person that makes time for exercise – even just yoga or a few breathing exercies – in the context of their day to day life. I need instruction, and a time and place to do the activity, with other people, and having parted with cash for the privelege. The best way for me to start the arduous uphill struggle of physical activity is by doing my research, scheduling what I’ve found into my diary, psyching myself up in preparation, then hopefully following through and finding it to be actually not that bad.
The past couple of weeks I have been suffering from low energy levels and a generally depressed mood. I have let this mood seep out of every pore, emitting its foulness like putrefying meat, poisoning everyone around me. I feel so sorry for the damage that I’ve done, and rotten that I’ve been forgiven and met with love when I don’t deserve to be.
I’m not just beating myself up about it. I genuinely have behaved atrociously for a week and I am aware of doing it. I have read all the books about loving yourself, accepting yourself, developing self-esteem and enjoying the beauty of life here and now. They don’t help when your mind wants to be bad and blow up over nothing. This is going to take years of psychotherapy to keep at bay for good. The problems I have won’t disappear overnight no matter how hard I will myself to feel differently, think differently, behave differently. The books say that you can – that’s it’s all a matter of choosing which thoughts to have, and to work with the positive ones only and discard the negative. But the power of neurosis in the mind is deep and unrelenting. “If you let it!” You may say. Without the tools and the ability to use them, changing oneself is beyond impossible. It simply takes more than you’ve got.
So I see once again that I haven’t got it made, not one little bit. It remains a persistent struggle with so many reminders that, no, we’re not nearly there yet.
The time will soon come for me to leave the cold, grey, perpetually depressing country where I currently live, for a few months in the sun with my own projects to do with J. I promise always to try to be better, to remember that love is all, to be gentle and kind always, and to recognise the symptoms of my bad behaviour before it erupts. It’s too late if I’ve already flown into a rage or have made hurtful comments. It’s too late if I’ve given cause for doubt in someone else’s mind. It’s too late if I am loathing myself for the messed up way I am thinking. It’s too late if my neurotic thoughts have got such a hold over me that I’ve already justified to myself that it’s acceptable to kick off right now. I have to get better at knowing myself. I have to trust that I can “grow”, not change, as J reminded me when I was in tears terrified that I can’t or won’t change. Trust in love.