Throwing the first punch.
I’m drowning in a sea of confusion and hurt feelings. I’m angry with myself, mired by frustration and denied longings. I have deep despair for myself. I am completely unhappy and frankly don’t know how I am coping. There is no way I can even express this. It’s me and my own bad behaviour that’s getting me down.
It’s also that my boyfriend J treats me with utter contempt in the aftermath of my dick-like behaviour – every sick thing he does being totally justified because ‘I started it’. It was me that started it and I take responsibility for that 100%. I have apologised with words and actions but my apologies are not accepted. It wears me down to the point of exhaustion to be vilified like this. To be told as I have been many times ‘I hate you’ by my partner leaves a mark that takes a lot of love, time and possibly an apology to heal. But I am not going to get an apology, not going to get a chance to talk about what happened. I have been called an abuser, so I think maybe that’s all I am somewhere deep down.
I’m sick of being told everything is my fault. I already know everything is my fault, everything I do is wrong and everything he does is perfectly sane and justified. I’m sick of being made to feel worthless because I f***ed up. I’m sick of not having a voice and being told constantly by him that I can’t talk. I’m constantly dragged down to his own extreme anger, contagious negativity and all-consuming depression. I caused all of those things, so I can suffer too.
Can I rise above the insults and the battles? Yes, if I were feeling strong and had time and space to heal my literal wounds in private. But instead, we carry on as if nothing happened, I put a brave face on and spin the alternative version of the weekend’s violence to other people, the resentments meanwhile growing ever stronger between us until someone blows up and it’s a full on fight again.
Why can’t we talk about the incidents that have happened in order to reduce the likelihood of similar things happening in the future, and to gain closure? Because there’s never a good time. And besides, why dredge up the painfully raw past when you can just pretend it never happened? After all, I should be glad that he still wants to know me, and doesn’t just dump me without a second thought.
I called the Samaritans for the first time ever today. It wasn’t hard picking up the phone or talking to the woman on the other end. She asked me some very probing questions, which I wasn’t expecting. The upshot of which is, of course everything is my fault, I really do have to believe that. I don’t know what I was expecting. Sympathy? I deserved everything I got. All I can do is to work on changing my own behaviour. Getting off booze again, which I was off incidentally for around three months until two weekends ago. Some other advice I got was to find an external focus or some inner peace – something that gets me away from constant thinking about and possible conflict with J. The problem with that is that I feel trapped in this relationship, as every spare evening I have after my full-time job that isn’t given over to exercise, therapy or my part-time job it is demanded I go straight home to help him with pressing household tasks.
Forgive? Forget? I wish I was a bigger person. Right now I don’t see it.