Untwining the ties.
Tuesday 26th August 2014
I’m in the process of disentangling my life from J’s. This isn’t the place to go into detail, but needless to say, it is draining and traumatic. I returned to the UK two nights ago, full of feeling suddenly. It was like being awakened from stasis. At my first sight of Britain, tears rolled down my cheek and my face kept breaking into a smile. I have never been so relieved to be home. Finally the nightmare is over, I feel OK, I can talk to people, I have an appetite and I see freedom from J’s world.
This brings with it an inordinate amount of sadness. I see him and feel him everywhere. I left him in his town in Spain, having gone there to pick up my things and give my car to him. He was the saddest person I’d ever seen. Watching him weeping next to me, it was as if a little bit of me died. And it has, really. I am grieving. I’ve lost J – truly the best influence on my life, the person I loved above all others.
It is breaking my heart but I cannot be in this relationship any longer. I love you but I can’t keep doing this to myself and to you.
I am sorry for all my bad behaviour. I have some serious personal issues that won’t go away by acting good.
You are right, I have cried wolf too many times and I understand that you cannot trust me anymore.
I think you would benefit from ending up with somebody calm, intelligent, creative, mature, patient and kind. I am none of those things. I am erratic, defensive, moody, conventional, stupid, selfish, weak and immature. I seemed to wind you up and upset you, even when I genuinely believe I am being kind and helpful.
I have always believed that I didn’t deserve you and perhaps my behaviour exemplifies this on some subconscious level.
The idea of us being together was so thrilling but the reality is conflict upon conflict.
Both of us are very sensitive to criticism which sometimes made it impossible to have even one normal day, without the drama.
You already know how I feel about you and I stand by it. You are so intelligent, wonderfully kind and patient, loving and forgiving, ambitious, thoughtful and practical, very funny and free-spirited, talented, brave and imaginative, and above all, the most special person in the world to me.
I wish you all the best in everything you do and I will always remember the good times we had with affection. Thank you truly for everything you have shown me, given me and taught me.
Always in my heart.