therapy journey

My journey to better mental & spiritual health

Tag: alternative

Entering the vibration.

The purpose of this underground is to find out how to preserve the light, the life, the culture. How to keep things living. You see, I keep thinking that what we need is a new language. A language of the heart. The language was in the Polish forest, where language wasn’t needed.  Some kind of language between people that is a new kind of poetry. It’s the poetry of the dancing bee that tells us where the honey is. And I think that in order to create that language, you’re going to have to learn how you can go through a looking glass into another kind of perception where you have that sense of being united with all things. And suddenly, you understand everything. – My Dinner with Andre, Dir. Louis Malle

What has happened to me continuously throughout this journey so far is a kind of synchronicity, serendipity even. Entering into the vibration of a particular thought, idea or energy has led to more of the same. The current preoccupation with spiritual awakening has been no exception, but in fact has even greater ramifications for humanity. For if we really are waking up, and the law of attraction is causing mass societal change, then what I experience on an individual level has the potential to be magnified many million times over. In fact, it is inevitable.

From my own personal experience, up until last week, I used to run an authenticity group in my hometown. Now I am travelling, the group will be on hold until I settle somewhere new for more than a few days. During the weeks I spent with my group in its first incarnation, I shared some terrifically collaborative moments with the participants. What I utterly loved about the group, was the mix of energy that happened. We channelled each other, whether we were painting silently in a meditative state or writing silly stories, there was the uncanny sense of connecting in a very profound way. A few days ago the activity was writing, and the collaborative, blind poetry pieces had a very coherent theme. They were also extremely fun to write, and I experienced what I’d been missing for a long while – deep belly laughter.

What I found in a significant way through that group was meaningful connection. Although the uptake wasn’t high, the intensity was. I owe it to myself to chase connections that have – as much as I hate the fact I’m overusing this phrase – ‘spiritual significance’. And to let go of those that don’t. I’m becoming stronger in my own self and convictions, and am disdainful the idea of being nice and keeping everyone happy. I’ve rocked a few boats lately, and I’m fine with that, because I have to be true to myself (including my inner bitch).

This recent article by Zen Gardner, published in the Waking Times is yet another in a long line of ideas about, as the title suggests, activism, elevating consciousness, and living with sustainability and awareness in mind. It talks about the fast-approaching tipping point in collective consciousness, and how every blog post and conversation helps to reverse perceived reality. As the machinations of power abuses, control and suppression become more evident in their malevolence, people have the opportunity to step back and see social engineering for what it is and always has been.

The article reports on a theory purportedly proven by scientists at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York that when just 10 percent of the population holds an unshakable belief, their belief will always be adopted by the majority of the society. It is essentially the same as the Hundredth Monkey Syndrome, which holds that once a certain number of individuals within a species learn something, suddenly the rest of that species can do it without being shown. They do it purely by instinct. The veracity of this theory has been called into question, however, and all but fallen into the realm of urban legend. However, it remains very interesting with this in mind to see what happens as we grow into what I believe are major, cataclysmic changes with global consequences.

What it all boils down to is the power of the individual. Most people have the erroneous belief that they cannot possibly effect change, as they are just one person out of several billion. But this couldn’t be further from the truth that I believe in. And I write this from my own point of view but this goes for every person on the planet – I have unlimited, infinite power which affects the entire universe across all dimensions.

I have found true freedom in believing in my own power and realising there is nothing at all to fear or doubt. There is only love. From Zen Gardner’s article, ‘Doubt is akin to fear, and its end result is apathy; i.e. disempowerment and inaction’. Sure, sometimes I still have moments of apathy, aggression, frustration and even fear. But I recognise that these are not true states of being, they are merely reflections of a spirit that is not in quite the right space.

I am coming to the end of the first week of my travels and have found myself in Brussels, Belgium. I am aware of the negative energy of this city and it’s not surprising given the significance of this territory to the Illuminati Elite. This capital city is home to the unelected European Union superstate dictatorship, NATO, the Global Elite Krypt computer database onto which information of all the people of the world is allegedly being compiled. If you subscribe to Icke’s theory, this tiny country, a monarchy, was created in 1831 as a centre for Elite Satanist activity and has imposed a ‘reptilian’ line which connects the bloodlines of all European royal and Elite families. Only another day left in this city then on to somewhere I can be less cynical about.

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From dream to nightmare.

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.” – They Live, Dir. John Carpenter

I feel incredibly awakened suddenly, finding out more about the real state of the world. It is one hell of ride and extremely uncomfortable, though exhilarating. Like the main character in the John Carpenter film, They Live, I have taken a chance and put on the reality sunglasses. For the first time, I believe I’m seeing things a little closer to how they really are. I see the subliminal messages which mind-control the masses and the sub-/supra-human overlords that run it all.

Every step I take on this road makes me more certain that this is what my purpose is. I’m finally ready to let go of the regrets of my past. When we look back, it’s easy to see with hindsight where we made a wrong turn, and wonder what the hell we were thinking. What I must remember, for my own sanity, is that whatever decisions I made in the past were thoroughly right for that moment in time. They could not fail to be so.

I’m entering into the vibration of the new part of my life, emerging from the crisis of my age slowly. I’m negotiating the tricky balance between activism and acceptance as I come to accept more startling things I’m coming across. Reading the Icke book The Biggest Secret has made me feel like my life up until now was a dream. What I now know, I can’t unknow. I can’t unf*** the goat, so to speak. (Although the goat symbolism of that phrase has taken on a macabre twist, a phenomenon that I keep finding whatever my eyes happen to settle on out there in the world they run. Now, every symbol is infused with meaning).

The forces that run this world control everything and the vast majority of individuals and they want you to call people like me and other truthers crazy. I’m fine with that and I accept that if I go down this path I’m laying myself open to ridicule. Online, that’s easier to cope with but face to face with people it’s much more unpredictable. That’s why I have to keep bettering myself, strengthening my convictions in the providence of the cosmos, and the love that’s in our souls whether you call it God, intuition, unity, spirit or any other name. It’s the opposite of the Satanism that’s intrinsic to the Illuminati’s rituals. Their Satan is not the Satan of the Bible or anything else for which we have a point of reference. They worship a highly destructive, negative force. Their rituals are a manipulation of human energy, and what people don’t know until they wake up and research this, is that millions of people, especially babies, that never officially existed die each year because of the ruling classes’ needs to feed on human consciousness.

The reason why this and all the rest of it continues is so easy to answer – because the few that rule the world control and own everything, from the news and entertainment media, to pharmaceuticals and the illegal drugs trade, to the military and police, to the organised religions of the Christian, Jewish, Islamic and other faiths, the companies we work for, to the very idea of government and all political ideologies be they communist, socialist, democratic, monarchy, plutocracy – it’s for a greater Agenda. The people that stand there that we call presidents or dictators or queens are not there to enforce their own will. God, no. They are often just mind-controlled puppets, there to further the Agenda. The Agenda has been going on for many thousands of years. Call them the Black Nobility, the Illuminati, the Babylonian Brotherhood, it’s all essentially the same thing.

The external manipulation of the mind takes many forms and the question is not how many are mind controlled, but how few are not. Make no mistake, it takes pure courage to live freely. It’s a great step into the unknown, which is another thing we have been conditioned to fear. I am the living embodiment of transient states of being, rejection of mainstream channels, an alternative sexuality, commitment to truth, absolute faith in my infinite power as a human being, and in time, love for all.

I remember a few years ago during the three-month occupation of the grounds of St Pauls by Occupy London protesters, I took my former boss’s 13-year old daughter there to have a look what was going on. He was horrified I had taken her to a place of the Great Unwashed, although we were both enthralled by what we had seen. Libraries inside tents, people making music, dancing, inspired placards – it was a peaceful, poignant experience. Now, I am more interested in being a part of a subculture like that than a cog in the prevailing, thoughtless culture. Not even a cog, because every cog in a machine is necessary, but something thoroughly expendable.

Yes, I know how it sounds. I’m sitting at home, I’m bored, so I’m scaring myself silly with out-there theories that give me the feeling that I’m doing something important with my life. But of course. The difference however is that I’m willing to be a voice that effects change. I want to devote my time right now to raising consciousness and at the very least, appealing to other people to form their own opinions and see things differently. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I have already started in my one-to-one personal outreach programme in the real world, and I’m proud.

Spiritual awakening.

“One of the great transformations we are experiencing is the process of re-awakening or re-connecting to our Higher Self or true self (Consciousness). This Higher Self can be seen as who we truly are. Up until this point, human ego has been at the forefront of driving our world. Ideas of who we think we are, separation, competition, greed, power and survivalism have been sitting in the driver’s seat for centuries and have created a world that reflects these ideals. It is important to realize that these are all illusions” – Julian Websdale, The Waking Times.

The idea of a spiritual awakening has come up so many times in the past few days both in my reading and interaction with people, I feel as if the universe is trying to tell me something. I’m aware of how rare this idea is given that there are so many human-made structures of power and control that have been designed to keep us in our place of blissful ignorance of our higher selves and a more noble way of being. Mainstream society pours disdain and ridicule on those that seek to better themselves in such a way. And that is because this is precisely what you’re meant to think.

Science and religion have conspired over the centuries to keep us in the dark. Religion, though outmoded, teaches us to fall in line so we don’t get punished by a pretty moody God. Our souls are only good in as far as we do what religious doctrine (read: the state) impels us to do. Modern science offers the only acceptable view of the universe and human values today, and that is that what exists is merely a ‘brute fact’ as Bertrand Russell put it, and when you die you cease to exist. This is even worse than the religious view! These apparent opposites both deny the true nature of who we are and that we alone have infinite power including of course, the power to control our individual and collective destinies.

Reading David Icke (I know I shouldn’t), he writes about the idea of mass consciousness growing to an eventual awareness that will set the human race free. While this has been debunked by detractors as New Age hokum, there is something that’s compelling to me that through an inclusive spirituality without borders or confining dogmas, people as one wake up to their interconnectedness and their non-physical selves that continues beyond the body.

But why should such a thing ever happen, when now more than ever, our world is materialistic, people are more divided, and disillusionment with politics and government is running high? Perhaps it’s precisely because of the self-conscious emptiness of our institutions, entertainment and behaviours that a shift is inevitable. Further, according to The Waking Times, one of the biggest victories awaiting us is the shift from polarity (right or wrong) to an understanding that perceptions are neutral, and only our ego terms an experience ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Once we see this, we stop placing emphasis on the ego and expecting prejudice and polarity, and start loving, allowing and accepting which leads to joy, happiness and enlightenment.

A global shift in consciousness might also be related to factors beyond our comprehension such as cosmic rays and solar activity. There is a theory advocated here that the unrest we are experiencing in many parts of the world is symptomatic of the number of sunspots and cycle the sun is in. Russian scientist Alexander Chizhevsky showed that the more sunspots, the greater number of important historical events take place. Within each 11-year cycle, Chizhevsky recognised 3 years of minimum excitability, 2 years of growth in excitability, 3 years of maximum excitability, and 3 years of a decline in excitability. We are in the period of maximum excitability, in which a disproportionate majority (60%) of historical events supposedly occur. The characteristics for our time include, “Discovery of solutions, masses more impatient with status quo, masses unite, new leaders appear.” How I would welcome being part of this change…

However one thing I must remember is that everything is exactly how it should be. This was one of the first things I learned. I do start to feel angry when I realise think too much about ‘the way things ought to be’. Through this awakening, we will learn to love knowing that we don’t have to fix our planet or anyone on it. It’s the work of the ego to presume that it knows better. Instead of resistance, steady alignment. You cannot change other people, although they do change. You can only work on yourself.

awake

Grace. The unconscious mind. Personal religion.

I’m not going to wax lyrical about being in any way spiritually enlightened, because I’m not. I’m no guru or saint, I’m just starting out and I’m learning a lot of things. I like to keep them safe and close to my heart by writing about them. I hope to remember my learnings and make them part of me. The Road Less Travelled has obviously made a big impact on me, as I don’t seem to be able to stop writing about it.

There are a couple of loose ends from Peck’s book that I’d like to tie up. We have discovered Peck’s belief that the ultimate aim of personal evolution is to be like God. Spiritual growth is how we as individuals evolve. And love is the force that overcomes the entropy intrinsic to the natural law of the universe. I wanted to explore the idea of God being a force within our unconscious, as this really stood out for me while reading this book.

We still have no idea why the unconscious mind possesses knowledge that we have not necessarily already learned. Peck suggests that the interface between God and man is at least in part the interface between our unconscious and our conscious. Perhaps we can go further and postulate that where God inhabits is Jung’s collective subconscious that we all share.

I find it very interesting that Peck’s view flips around the beliefs of the preceding age of psychotherapy, which held that the unconscious with its tumultuousness, nightmares, mental illnesses and assorted demons, is the seat of psychopathology. In Peck’s version, diseases of the mind occur because our conscious self resists unconscious wisdom and it is amidst this conflict that the unconscious seeks to heal. Far from being dark, unruly and fearful, our unconscious mind is an expression of a far greater power.

But, we are in the dark about what our unconscious mind – God – is telling us. Dreams are open to contradictory interpretations, dark nights of the soul seemingly serve little purpose except making us miserable, and we are very quick to discount those situations when we intuit something but cannot figure how we could possibly ‘know’ it. Perhaps on occasion we are being assisted by a force other than our own conscious will. This is where grace comes in.

Grace is a “powerful force originating outside of human consciousness which nurtures the spiritual growth of human beings”. Examples of grace include near-misses in potential accident situations, dream phenomena where revelations are made; miracles of health; examples of extra sensory perception; and other fortuitous incidents, peculiar coincidences, synchronicity or serendipity that we cannot explain. The following four conditions define them:

  1. They nurture human life and spiritual growth.
  2. They are incompletely understood by scientific thinking.
  3. They are commonplace among humanity.
  4. They originate outside the conscious human will.

Peck goes on to assert that the fact of grace basically infers the existence of God. Whether or not one believes in God is a personal matter which no argument from a book is going to change – but unbelievably it can and does change over time. This got me thinking about my own faith and asking the question, how did I go from being a hardline atheist who pretty much felt like punching every devout religious person squarely on the nose, to someone who only today over breakfast, told my flatmates that I believe in a God as a soul of the universe, a oneness, source, a spirit that unites us all?

There’s no simple answer to this. I didn’t see any huge signposts pointing me towards God or grace. I didn’t dodge death or see Jesus in a watermelon. I can only conclude my faith was slowly awakened during the fourteen months I’ve been publishing and asking questions. In searching for mental peace and desperately wanting to shake the problems I used to have with anger, violence, neuroses etc, I found that there was much more blossoming within me given that I had made a commitment to change. I had no idea when I started how much potential I have to be joyful and spiritually whole. This is my therapy.

There was one final point that Peck makes in the ‘Growth and Religion’ section that really hit home. From the theologian Alan Jones “one of our problems is that very few of us have developed any distinctive personal life. Everything about us seems secondhand, even our emotions. […] I cannot survive on a secondhand faith in a secondhand God. There has to be a personal word, a unique confrontation, if I am to come alive”. And if sitting around waiting for God to show himself to us won’t do, we must each of us forge our own religion. This is “a wholly personal one, forged entirely through the fire of our questioning and doubting in the crucible of our own experience of reality.” I love this idea, and I think it’s what I am doing in my myriad ways.

Spiritual growth.

“Genuine love is self-replenishing. The more I nurture the spiritual growth of others, the more my own spiritual growth is nurtured.” – M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled

Spiritual growth as the ultimate aim of human existence crops up many, many times in Peck’s seminal work, The Road Less Travelled. It has got me thinking about what is meant by such a far-reaching and lofty concept as real spiritual growth. Could it be, awareness of universal truths? Truly understanding and accepting the self? Behaving out of love unwaveringly? Knowledge and insight into the nature of God? Cultivating the spiritual growth of others? I have a few ideas, but for now let’s stick to what I understood from the book.

Spiritual growth is the one and only will of love. Love, we remember, is defined by Peck as, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. When real love occurs, we cannot help but extend our limits into a larger state of being. Self-love and loving others go hand in hand because ultimately they are indistinguishable. Loving is self-evolution.

If spiritual growth is the purpose of love, what is the purpose of spiritual growth? It is evolution. The phenomenon of evolution shouldn’t exist. It violates the second law of thermodynamics, which states that energy flows from a state of higher differentiation to a state of lower differentiation – or entropy as it is known. Entropy is the force of decay, of homogenisation, of chaos. Evolution is nothing short of a miracle in our cosmos.

Spiritual growth is the evolution of the individual. While the decline of physical competence is an inevitability, the human spirit may evolve throughout one’s lifetime. Such growth is so difficult and effortful because it is conducted against a natural resistance. The natural inclination is to keep things the way they are. Growth entails embracing and seeking change – not merely for the sake of change, but in as far as making changes allows us to become better and better versions of ourselves, and there is no end to this process.

So, what is the force that pushes individuals and the whole species to grow in spite of our natural lethargy, and against our instincts to keep things the same? It is love. Love is a struggle, it is work. It is the extension of the self, and it is evolution in progress. Love is the force that defies the natural law of entropy which is present throughout the known universe on the micro and macro levels.

I wonder if without a significant other or others to love, can an individual grow? The kind of love that Peck is talking about isn’t the general ‘love they neighbour’ sort, nor the ‘in love’ feeling. By love’s very nature, an individual has only enough energy to manifest real love to a few chosen individuals. Vast amounts of energy are required to extend the self truly to others, and our individual stores of energy are as limited as hours of the day.

I am not nurturing another’s spiritual growth at the moment. I wonder if I ever have. My own growing process is stalling, like all aspects of my life now. I have had some bad times lately and have struggled to identify where they have come from, and what recent experiences or run-ins may have triggered them off. At the end of the day, it comes down to a lack of connection and simple loneliness but this is what I expected as I am in the middle of a huge giving-up/ growing up process. I live a transient lifestyle. So, this lack of soul connection is a hard reset. I know I am lucky to have possessed the wisdom and guts to do something about what I lacked.

If spiritual evolution could be said to have a goal, what is that goal? This is where Peck loses a lot of his readers. The goal of spiritual growth is Becoming God. Peck writes, “We are growing toward godhood. God is the goal of evolution. It is God who is the source of the evolutionary force and God who is the destination.” Peck concedes that it would be putting it mildly to say this is a terrifying idea. But think about it. While we deny our godliness and shirk our responsibility, we don’t have to worry about the responsibility of spiritual growth. We can reject the hard work, relax, grab a beer, watch TV, stick a hand down our pants and just be human. Of course the idea that there is a path to godliness sounds crazy, because that’s just it, it’s the road less travelled. But once you’re on this path, like I am, you realise you might as well enjoy it because after all, the journey is the destination.

Giving up & growth.

This was a post I didn’t want to write, because it may contain negativity. However, in the interests of honesty and dealing with the rough as well as the smooth, I’m going to attempt an understanding and acceptance of my current mindset. And I’m going to be as positive as I can while dealing with its inherent negativity.

In Peck’s psychology as propounded in The Road Less Travelled, a principal reason why people seek psychiatric help is because of depression. When we give something up, depression is the feeling associated with that process. Since mentally healthy humans must grow, and giving up a part of the old outdated self is an integral part of growth, depression is reframed as a normal and healthy phenomenon. It only becomes unhealthy when something in the giving-up process is unresolved or interfered with. On a fundamental level for me personally, the giving-up process has started in my psyche.

It is quite common for individuals not to know why they are feeling down, but my subconscious knows, for it has already kick-started the process that will prefigure the next phase of my life. The idea of the ‘stages of life’ or identity crises was explored by developmental psychologist Erik Erikson. The stage I am at corresponds with Love: The Intimacy vs. Isolation conflict which is emphasised around the age of 30. This is a stage at which young adults seek to blend their identity with their social group. Our egos have had experience of rejection, which for some is so painful that we will do anything to avoid it, including cutting some of the ties that bound us.

In his 1950 book, Erikson writes, “Intimacy has a counterpart: Distantiation: the readiness to isolate and if necessary, to destroy those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to our own, and whose territory seems to encroach on the extent of one’s intimate relations”. When I read that, it was another one of those Eureka moments. What I used to call freedom has turned into isolation. What used to be exhilarating is now meaningless. Life was for a time a dazzling blank canvas full of too much possibility to have to tie down just one experience to each moment, but it has become stifling and I have briefly considered jumping in the Thames.

Since excelling at one’s current stage involves mastery of the previous stage, this leaves me in a pickle. I don’t feel that I emerged triumphantly from the Fidelity: Identity vs. Confusion stage. Studies have shown that those with a poor sense of self (me) tend to have less committed relationships (yes) and are more likely to suffer emotional isolation, loneliness, and depression (yes, yes and yes). Damn me for being a late developer.

So what is my subconscious trying to tell me – what am I giving up for Lent and indeed for life? To keep things very broad, this is a time in my life when I am realising just how many of my social peers, that I’d previously relied upon for validation and support, have grown divergently from me – or have stayed in exactly the same place. We’ve outgrown each other. Eventually we all have to choose with whom we want to surround ourselves, because like it or not, they’ll influence what we believe is possible for ourselves. Obviously this growing apart process is going to hurt, and in seeking the new connections I’m yet to make, I’m exposing myself to more hurt. And in between, yes, it’s going to be lonely.

What else am I giving up? Cherished notions, I suppose. A safe, cosy view of the future which I now believe isn’t my destiny. Closing my eyes and hoping for the best – that was always a favourite. I realise how much work I still have to do on myself before I can feel that I am truly authentic and ready to give the world, or at least those close to me, my gift. The gift that is the best of me.

Lastly, I became aware yesterday while stomping through London in a huff, that I am saying goodbye to this city, where I have spent on and off the last 12 years of my life, or to put it another way, my entire adult existence. In just over a week I will no longer be a Londoner, and it is my choice not to return to live here again.

I know in my rare strong moments that this too shall pass. I give myself a pat on the back for giving up my old ways of doing and looking at things. And not a moment too soon, some of my old behaviours. It’s not in my nature to cling to the past for comfort and reassurance. I’ve always been the sort to dream about the future. I’ve not experienced a yearning for ‘the way things used to be’ – perhaps because things always turn out kinda sh*t. Many people are unwilling to suffer the pain of giving up what has been outgrown. They cling forever to their old patterns of thinking and behaving, failing to negotiate the crisis of their time. To grow up is to experience the joyful transition that accompanies our many transitions into greater maturity and I for one am pleased to be on this journey, as f***ing hard as it is at times.

Love. Newness. Dependency. Cathexis.

While I’m somewhat stagnant in getting to my goals at the moment, I am spending more of my time connecting with fellow bloggers. Thrillingly, I see a lot of parallels between those whose journeys I find particular interesting, and my own. There is a common thread of love binding us, a vibration in our collective consciousness. We are individuals who write about self-discovery, spiritual empowerment, becoming better people, loving others, achieving good mental health. We share something. These bloggers have come into my life at a time when I am reaching a hand into the darkness.

I want to thank everyone that has showed me an alternative to self-hating, self-blaming and seeing the world as a hostile place. I understand now that it is my destiny to create something good for myself and others. This thing’ is my life’s work. I will make whatever it is from scratch and share it with others. I will use everything in me to make this a reality. I am entering into a vibration of its newness. I have written before about being in a transitional state, having lost lots of things and now readjusting. This is ongoing, but I am allowing myself to believe in the next step – aligning with the vibration of the good that it is in my power alone to manifest.

In the meantime, I am filling my cup with learnings from The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. In my last post I wrote about the idea that falling in love is essentially a trick played on us by biology, vs real love which Peck defines as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. Real love requires effort, discipline and commitment to growth, long after the butterflies associated with ‘falling in love’ have taken flight.

I very much enjoy Peck’s style which is at times as brutal as it can be gentle. On the subject of dependency, which is sometimes confused with love, Peck writes, “when you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual”. Love is the free exercise of choice. It is when two people are quite capable of living separately, but choose to live with each other. Dependency, then, is “the inability to experience wholeness or to function adequately without the certainty that one is being actively cared for by another”. It is a pathological sickness, a mental illness or defect. Yet, every single one of us has desires to be cared for by someone stronger than us with no effort on our part.

I wonder how many of us can truly say we have never been dependent? I can’t. Though not dependent by nature (in fact, happiest when I can express my fierce independence in my own eccentric way), I have certainly been sucked into another’s dramatic dependency needs. I fostered dependency out of a misplaced sense of duty. Such passive-dependents are so busy seeking to be loved that they have no energy left to love. Their inner emptiness can never be filled, so they move from one partner to another, constantly seeking relationships that may while seeming intense and dramatic are in fact extremely shallow.

Genuine love is a self-replenishing activity in which the self is enlarged rather than diminished. It involves a change in the self, but one of extension rather than sacrifice. The aim of real love is always spiritual growth. Further, love is an action, not a feeling. A genuinely loving person will take a loving action even towards an individual she consciously dislikes. I am not this spiritually advanced yet, and I cannot guarantee that love towards my fellow man is always the choice I make. I am trying.

Peck makes a distinction between the action of real love and the feeling of cathecting. To cathect means ‘to invest emotion or feeling in (an idea, object, or another person).’ There is a misconception that love is a feeling because we confuse cathecting with loving. We can cathect a person without caring for their spiritual development. The passive dependent in fact usually fears the spiritual development of her cathected partner. Genuine love isn’t an overwhelming feeling, it is a committed decision.

I have been thinking about my mother and how all my life I’ve been the object of her cathexis. Her love for me is not such that she would like to see me grow to fulfil my unique potential, to be the very best I can be. Her love consists of keeping things the way they’ve always been. She wants to shield me from the outside world. She wants to keep me close, forever. She desperately seeks to influence me. Her love is conditional upon my upholding certain religious values and social conventions that she holds dear.

From the earliest age, I was taught that the world was a hostile place. My mother would scare me into believing that there were rapists and murderers hiding around every corner, waiting to pounce. My worldview growing up was that I had no power, and that those with power would abuse it. Bogeymen, ghosts, spirits and devils were real. I was taught to believe in a vengeful God that you can never please except through a lifetime of servitude and self-sacrifice. I thought, until surprisingly recently, that people were out to get me. Even those that seemed nice initially would turn ugly, according to her. Men were not to be trusted; no-one was.

The worldview and the coddling that she gave me served their purpose, and I love her for it. It is my triumph that despite some of the more distressing and regretful aspects I was forcefed growing up, I am not only being influenced by the wonderful, hopeful works of others but I can feel them changing me fundamentally all the way through.

Love & all who sail in her.

The Road Less Travelled is truly ground-breaking and so brilliantly brutal in some of the conclusions it draws and arguments it puts forward. What follows is a breakdown of Peck’s rebuttal of notions of romantic love, and how it differs (is actually at a polar extreme) from real love in that it doesn’t allow for enlargement of the self necessary for spiritual growth, but instead, temporary release from it.

So ‘falling in love’ is a specifically sex-linked experience. It occurs only when we are sexually motivated whether consciously or unconsciously. The feeling of ecstatic lovingness always fades.

To understand the inevitable ending of ‘falling in love’, he explores what psychiatrists call ego boundaries. When we are babies, we cannot distinguish between ourselves and the rest of the universe. When we are hungry, the world is hungry. When we move our legs, the world is moving. Through various stages of childhood and adolescent development, we learn our identity as individuals, the limits of our flesh and boundaries of our power.

Falling in love therefore represents a sudden collapse of one’s ego boundaries, permitting an individual to merge their identity with that of another.

In this respect, falling in love is a regression. It echoes a time when we were merged with our mothers in infancy. Feelings of omnipotence, much like a child at the age of two might have, make a comeback. What also reappears is the false sense that problems are no more, all boundaries can be overcome and loneliness has been banished.

Sooner or later, ego boundaries snap back into place and two separate identities re-emerge. Either the ties are dissolved or the individuals begin the work of real loving. Real loving occurs in a situation in which the feeling of loving is lacking; when we act lovingly in spite of how we feel, not because of it.

This is because falling in love is not an act of will. It happens even when it is inconvenient and undesirable. While we can choose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, we cannot choose to create the experience itself. Further, falling in love is not an extension of one’s ego boundaries, it is a temporary collapse of them. The experience requires no effort – those who are lazy and undisciplined fall in love just as easily as dedicated and disciplined ones.

From a biological point of view falling in love serves only to terminate loneliness and facilitate successful procreation. Spiritual development is not something that can be summoned through the process, as when we are in love we are at peace, striving no higher than what we already have achieved. Falling in love, according to Peck, is “a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behaviour”.

If that isn’t a passion-killer, I’m not sure what is. I’m sure I have come across the idea before as the book has been around since many years before I was even born, but it makes for an arresting, eye-opening read. As with most things that strike me as exceptional, it’s always better to know them and have the capacity to mull them over, than to ignore the more unpalatable truths that our society avoids dwelling on.

Every day I am making more of a conscious decision that an alternative lifestyle is where I’m headed. I don’t want to be fed on popular media that patronises and perpetuates myths that are flagrantly untrue. I refuse to work in a job which has no intrinsic purpose apart from the acquisition of wealth. Money is the most stupid, ridiculous reason to do anything. I reject spending my vital life energy in an environment which deadens the mind, and which is exactly what it was designed to do.

When I am insulted or misunderstood, I like it because it shows me that I am going the right way. I was told yesterday that I have “a sh*tty outlook on life”. I am delighted to hear such words because they remind me that I am destined for bigger and better things, far beyond what those unenlightened and conventional slaves to the system are even aware of. I’m designing my own philosophy of love, life, self and career.

I’ve been aware of it for a while but I am unconventional. I’ve tried to fight it and spent much of my twenties toeing the line. I thought that if I did the things that everyone else did, I’d truly want them too. I strove to be a normal girlfriend, to want normal material things, to work in a normal job, do normal things on a Saturday night and fit in with anyone who happened to be around me. For a while I kidded myself I was just like everyone else.

It never worked. My relationships were fraught, my friends were merely drinking buddies, I made myself depressed through work, I found emptiness in the things I bought, and drinking made me irresponsible and thoroughly unlikeable.

Now, everything has changed. All the trappings have gone. Friends have gone, my livelihood will change, my lifestyle has uncluttered, my life in England is coming to an end. Fundamentally my priorities have shifted. What is most important to me now, in this period of transition, is to be true to myself.

Love is the ultimate reality. It is the only. The all.

There is only one reason to do anything: as a statement to the universe of Who You Are. This is a powerful idea and underlines the importance of personal responsibility, the duty to be authentic, owning our own creations, both collectively and individually. Events are created by man’s collective consciousness. All thought is creative. Emotion is the power that attracts. It is energy in motion. Move energy and create effect. Move enough energy and create matter. Thought is pure energy, it never ever dies. A thought is forever.

The power of thought is simply huge, infinite. There are no victims, no villains. We create all that we say we detest, and having created it, we have chosen it. This has a serious upshot for anyone, like me, seeking to change their life. As long as we harbour the notion that someone or something else is causing our distress, we disempower ourselves to change anything. So, I understand and accept that my prior negative states were chosen by myself. I seek change not because one thing is right and another is wrong, but because my negative state no longer makes an accurate statement about who I am.

The Laws (of the Universe!) are as follows:

1) Thought is creative
2) Fear attracts like energy
3) Love is all there is


Reading about magnificent cosmic ideas almost makes me wish I was into mind-altering drugs so I could enter into beautiful philosophies fully. It’s all very well reading and writing about God/Love but the challenge is to make it stick, to make the ideas contained within this book (Conversations With God by Walsch) more than flavour of the month. I’d like to bear out the messages that I am reading about with every fibre of my being, for them to become automatic and ingrained in time. I do believe these things. I do want to believe that love is the only ultimate reality. I am going through a shift, and like all changes will take time and commitment, that’s all.

This book is not at all wishy-washy and in fact contains some of the most logical, clear arguments that I’ve encountered in a book. The conversation style of pertinent question and astute answer is incredibly well put together. I would urge anyone looking for the smallest iota of spiritual guidance, who is feeling lost, alone, bereft, depressed or unwell to pick up this book and just start reading.

Sometimes in my own life I have an impulse to shut down, to dismantle and wait it out until I am better rested or in a better mood. I put it down to exhaustion but how real are tiredness and grumpiness? It’s all in my mind. Also there are still other times when I behave in a way that doesn’t show who I want to be and what I am. For example I might take half an hour away from my desk at work to lie on the toilet cubicle floor wrapped in my coat. This is less than authentic behaviour, but I do it because at that moment I am tired, cold, bored and craving the most basic comfort. This is a clear sign to me that my destiny lies elsewhere, in a mental and physical space where I do not feel like shutting down. Allow each soul to walk its path.

Conversations with God. Fear and love.

I recently chanced upon the writings of someone that I know and respect and they said there was a book that awakened her. She wrote that, after reading this particular book, “for the first time, [I was] in deep peace and comfortable in my own skin. I knew this feeling as love, without condition just as it was, without the need to change a thing. A moment of surrender, it was bliss.” With a recommendation like that, I was curious, especially as this person spent much of their life with all the comforts and amenities of first world living, yet still felt a lack on some level (and the guilt that that entails); and on still another level, an internal, deep-rooted sense of inadequacy.

I picked up the book that kickstarted my friend’s journey. The book is called Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. I don’t believe in God. Not the God of the Bible, Quran, Torah or Veda. I didn’t believe in God as a spiritual being that gives life and love to all, as the beating heart of the cosmos. I never understood the idea of God as Love – though I often wanted to even as a child and young adult. Now as I stand on the cusp of a new decade, having just received some decisive news about my health and the necessity of an invasive operation with a 5% mortality rate, I am ready and open to God in a way that I never have been before. I am open to the spirit, chi, life force, God, soul… and I know that it is within me in a way that brings tears to my eyes.

Walsch wrote a letter to God and got a response. This book is God’s response. The insights, truths and answers that ‘God’ gave show nothing more or less than the fact that God is in all of us, that’s what this book is about. There was nothing special about Walsch, he wasn’t the chosen one. He simply had an inspiration that feeling is the language of the soul, and that which comes from God is our highest thought, our clearest word, our grandest feeling. Anything less is not from God.

How did he know the communication was from God? It only matters that what Walsch felt was real, that he had chanced upon fundamental truths. What would be the difference whether it was imagination or madness? We all have a duty to receive the messages of God directly. Experiencing and interpreting them is our responsibility. Most of us are not willing to listen.

Love is another word for God. Unconditional love doesn’t exist in the human sphere. I certainly have trouble understanding God that loves unconditionally. This really struck a chord with me: “It was your parents who taught you that love is conditional – and that is the experience you take into your own love relationships. It is also the experience you bring to Me.” We have forgotten what it is to be loved without fear of punishment, without fear, without qualification.

Human actions are based in only one of two things. Fear or Love. There is a beautiful passage about these only two thoughts that there are.

“Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms.
Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals.
Fear wraps out bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends.”
– Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch


					

Kundalini. The curl of the lock of hair.

I’ve started a new class in Kundalini yoga which is known as the ‘yoga of awareness’, utilising life force energy located at the bottom of the spine and combining breath and a lot of movement. Kundalini is a relatively new branch of yoga, based on the writings of spiritual teacher Sivananda Saraswati who founded the Divine Life Society on the banks of the Ganges in 1936. Influences come from tantra and shakta schools of Hinduism. It was popularised in the 1960s by  Harbhajan Singh, also known as Yogi Bhajan. Kundalini yoga is said to strengthen and balance the body, give clarity to the mind, release tension, make contact with your infinity and innate inner wisdom, and help you to feel peaceful and fully charged.

According to Saraswati’s treatise, it aims “to cultivate the creative spiritual potential of a human to uphold values, speak truth, and focus on the compassion and consciousness needed to serve and heal others.” This sounds absolutely beautiful. The name ‘kundalini’ has a poetic metaphor behind it, meaning “the curl of the lock of hair”, a reference to the energy and consciousness that flows within us.

The long class uses a blend of postures, pranayam, music, mantra and meditation, which teach the art of relaxation, self-healing and elevation. You get very deep into the soul of yoga. One of the exercises was to move from baby position to caterpillar on your belly with spine curled upwards, then back into baby and up into a downward dog, which is like a triangle shape with your bottom in the air and head down, feet flat on the mat. It’s going to take some practice. This and all the exercises were done with breath being the momentum that carries you onward, and so the movement of the body. and the inhale/ exhale is totally synchronised.

It felt very good performing the breath of fire. This isn’t when you’ve had too much vindaloo but a step away from Western breathing using just the chest area. The breath of fire is awareness of your breathing using the diaphragm to its full extent. Taking intense rapid breaths through the nostrils you fill your abdomen with new air and quickly expel the old. We must have looked like a class of hyperventilators. The technique is said to be good for clearing deposits from the nasal cavities and extending lung capacity, both of which are great for me as these are two problem areas.

Another exercise that I found surprisingly strenuous was lying flat on your back with hands placed under your bottom so the lower back is flat against the mat, then lifting straight legs to a 60 degree angle and opening and crossing them closed, with alternate legs being on top. You do this exercise at a fast pace in a sudden 3-minute burst of energy, which is very taxing when your body hasn’t the discipline for any sustained physical activity whatsoever.

All the physical exercises were tough for me. My body felt tired afterwards and a little achy rather than rejuvenated. All the more reason to stick at it, so that perhaps in a few sessions’ time I can actually feel the benefit. The day after (today) I have no aches but have become more aware of the awkward ways I hold my body, in particular my tense right shoulder.

Aside from the physical exertions, there is also a more meditative aspect to the class I attended. There are spiritual affirmations that are repeated – either chanted in a way that exercises the voice and you really feel your voice; or sung in a way that clears out old air from your lungs. You do feel a bit silly doing the Hindu chanting, but it’s easy to suspend that feeling and just give in to it, like when you dance and after loosening up a little your inhibitions go.

Kundalini yoga uses the energy locks system and focusses on the locks around the lower back. All that energy is contained within the spine – Kundalini wakes it up and shakes it out of its office-life imposed sloth. Sometimes a pose or an exercise will involve connecting the tips of your thumbs together or connecting your thumb and index finger as if circling an imaginary egg, which seemed arbitrary before but I’m beginning to see how this all makes a big picture.

I’m not a natural yogi, I even found sitting cross-legged with a straight back too much at times, but I saw the goodness that is at the core of this teaching and I will endeavour to continue whenever I am free on class night. I feel really lucky to have discovered this amazing way of tapping into inner resources and seeking all that I wish inside my very soul.

Self-acceptance = confidence = effective communication.

My third session of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) was the most rewarding, refreshing and useful one I have had so far. In a departure from previous sessions, I learned how to tap myself rather than having the practitioner, C, do it on me. I’m only going to have another two more sessions, so it’s important to me that I gain familiarity with the technique.

C says I seemed calmer and more centred the last two times she’s seen me. I am glad she has noticed this, as I really feel it within myself. What I brought to the session was different to previous sessions in which I tried to address ongoing conflict and anger/ anxiety issues. This time it was my communication issues that I wanted addressing. My issues surrounding communication are that I have difficulty expressing myself clearly, and I have a fear of saying the wrong thing and of not being heard. I express myself clumsily and then withdraw from communication completely. It can be paralysing. It’s not just with large groups of strangers – it can be with my closest friends and my boyfriend. What C said made a lot of sense: in the past we experience a way of being that perhaps involves hurt and the sense of closing down. This repeats and we look for it so it is affirmed by the outside world.

What I am seeking is to express myself authentically in a manner that gets me heard. Being heard is not about having the loudest voice at all, simply one that is true to myself. All of this comes back to confidence. And what is confidence, except an expression of self-acceptance?

C would like to give me a tool which I can use to come back to my centre and leave behind the negative mind chat. I am not allowing my own light to shine, she said, and all that love and fun is just being squashed. I am glad she can see the love and fun in me. A sort of exercise she gave me was to let go of fear of being judged and to observe how people are with me. How does the communication go? To help communicate better she advised giving each interaction my full attention from the inside out. I thought I already did this but there is always capacity for more mindful and effective communication.

Some of the affirmations that I repeated after C:

Communication

I am going to try and stick with EFT and perhaps find out more about it as I go along. At the moment the main focus of my research is mindfulness, so I’m taking the time to digest that before really giving my full attention to peripheral remedies such as EFT. I’m also now on a path where I have I think found the right talking therapist and that takes a huge amount of energy to think clearly about, and get the right result.